


Behind The Curtains

by mylifeissocoollike



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Slow Burn, jily, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2018-12-10 10:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11689755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylifeissocoollike/pseuds/mylifeissocoollike
Summary: Remus and Sirius don’t realize what’s developing between them. It takes sharing a bed to set them down the path of understanding what their feelings really are.





	1. Chapter 1

i.

They were sixteen the first night Sirius crawled into his bed. Remus had slept with him before, but James and Peter had been there too. The way their limbs would tangle on the floor beside the fire at the Potter house as they try to stay up late scheming and eventually fall asleep was one of Remus’ favorite things. But this already felt different than that and Remus tried really hard to convince himself that it was fine.

Sirius rested his head on his chest. “Did I wake you?”

“Nah, s’fine,” he murmured in return. He remained perfectly still, fighting the urge to raise a hand and gently run his fingers through his friend’s hair.

“Remus?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to leave.”

Remus didn’t have to ask what he meant. Their fifth year was finally over. Tomorrow they would all get back on the trains and go home for the summer. Remus’ chest had been aching all week at the thought of being separated from his friends. At the thought of having to spend the summer moons in the basement of his home instead of with them. James had promised they would make it work so that at least one of them could spend every moon with him. Guilt gripped him as he realized he had spent so much time worried that his friends wouldn’t really be able to help him that he had forgotten about what they might need too.

“It’ll be okay.” This time he pulled Sirius closer to him. He could feel the other boy’s heart pounding and told himself it was nerves over the return home. It couldn’t be for the same reason his own was beating a mile a minute.

ii.

“It wasn’t okay,” Sirius said after crawling into Remus’ bed on the first night they returned to Hogwarts the following year. Part of him was angry with Remus and he didn’t quite understand why. After all, his friend had only been trying to comfort him that night. He couldn’t make any promises. Even Sirius could never guarantee how life would be when he went home.

“But it is now. It’s okay because you have the Potters now,” Remus rolled onto his side so that they faced each other.

Sirius wondered if he believed him. Was it all really going to be okay now? He thought back to the platform when Euphemia tried to hug him goodbye and he had flinched away from her touch. She smiled but he had seen the hurt in her eyes when he did that and he had been frightened the whole day that perhaps they would write him off after the incident. Maybe they would decide that he was too ungrateful. Too damaged for them.

“Hey,” Remus said quietly. “You’re safe. You’re home now.”

Sirius looked at him, his eyes finally adjusted to the dark. He noticed that Remus had stubble coming in now but behind it there was a new scar along the left side of his jaw. Sirius suddenly felt guilty that he had taken up so much of James’ time with his mess this summer that only Peter had been able to help Remus during the full moons. Before he could really understand why he was doing it and what it might mean, Sirius reached out and traced the scar with his thumb.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. He couldn’t quite tell in the dark but it felt a lot like Remus rolled his eyes at him.

“Go to sleep Sirius.”

When he woke up, Remus was already awake and looking at him, a tired smile on his face. It took a minute for Sirius to realize that his hand had drifted during the night from Remus’ face to his waist. He hurriedly snatched it away. As he made his way back to his own bed before James and Peter could wake up and see where he had spent the night, Sirius tried not to think about the hurt look that flashed across Remus’ face when he had left. He couldn’t think about it. He told himself he had imagined it. There was no way Remus could have wanted him to stay like that. It was far closer than two friends should be, no matter how badly Sirius longed for more.

iii.

Remus was convinced Sirius would never come back to his bed after the morning he woke up in his arms. He spent three weeks lying in bed each night and listening for Sirius’ distinctive snoring to start, signaling that he’d be sleeping alone that night. He tried to tell himself that it was unhealthy, longing for a friend the way he was, but he couldn’t help it. The tightening in his chest was inescapable whenever he thought of Sirius. His feelings for his friend were becoming a problem that he couldn’t ignore.

But then the Snape disaster happened and Remus was glad that Sirius hadn’t been visiting him at night. He had a hunch it would have made the betrayal feel even worse. So he pushed his feelings into a dark corner and ignored Sirius as much as he could. It wasn’t easy. The desire was still there and the autumn nights just kept getting colder, which he was especially aware of now that he spent them alone.

Almost five weeks after the incident, Remus heard his bed curtains rustle. He almost couldn’t believe his eyes as Sirius slipped in and sat tentatively by his side. Neither of them said a thing so he figured he might as well be the first. “Get the fuck off my bed.”

“Remus, please,” Sirius started. Remus made to shove him, but he was still lying down and Sirius was above him so the angle made the gesture weak. Almost as weak as his will to actually make Sirius leave.

“Say what you came to say then.” He shifted into a seated position. If Sirius was going to defend himself, Remus was going to be eye level with him.

“I’m sorry for being a prat. What I did was wrong and I’m sorry. Please give me another chance.” Sirius hesitated and stared at his hands for a long moment before reaching out and gripping Remus’ hands with his and tugging him a little closer. Slowly, Sirius touched his forehead to his. Remus briefly wondered if he was going to kiss him. He tried to remain angry, but the thought of kissing Sirius suddenly melted away all the resistance that was left.

“I miss you,” Sirius said before letting him go just as suddenly and slipping out. Through the small crack left in the curtains Remus saw Sirius take a deep breath and wipe his nose on his sleeve before climbing back into his own bed.

iv.

The first time Remus crawled into his bed, Sirius had just turned seventeen.

“Happy birthday,” Remus said as he wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled his face into the crook of Sirius’ neck. Early morning light filtered through the bed curtains and Sirius wondered what he had done to deserve this. Only two days ago he had been begging Remus for forgiveness and here the man was, climbing into bed with him.

“Does this mean I’m-“

“Not exactly.” Remus pulled away from him and Sirius saw red start to creep up his friend’s neck. He imagined he looked about the same though. “But I miss you too.”

Sirius smiled and pulled him closer. He decided then that this was the best birthday present he could ask for. He had his friend back. His Remus. As they dozed in and out of sleep, enjoying the warm Saturday morning light, Sirius swore to himself that he’d never do anything to fuck this up.

He didn’t know what _this_ was yet, only that it felt right when it was with Remus and he couldn’t lose it again.


	2. Chapter 2

i.

It started after his birthday and Remus’ forgiveness. Their short estrangement seemed to haunt everything they did during the day. Peter would tell a story about something that happened without Sirius when Remus wasn’t speaking to him and then, when Sirius didn’t get it, Peter would slowly say, “You had to be there.”

While sitting with James, going over notes for new projects, the two of them were completely out of synch because James had been having brainstorming sessions separately with them. It took days to pull together and finally connect their ideas.

Then, almost a week after his birthday, there was another full moon. Sirius hadn’t joined them last time. Remus had sent James to him the day of and told him that he wasn’t welcome. He had understood but still the rejection had hurt him more than anything. This time he almost expected the same message. Surely Remus couldn’t trust him fully already?

But he did. So Sirius went with them.

The next night, Remus climbed into his bed. Sirius could tell that the man’s movements were stiff and slow. He lay still and let Remus settle himself, hoping that he wouldn’t move suddenly and hurt his friend.

“Pomfrey shouldn’t have let you go so early,” he said after Remus finally got comfortable.

“I asked her to release me tonight.” Remus’ voice was hoarser than usual. Thoughts of that hoarseness whispering things in his ear as Remus’ body hovered over his entered Sirius’ mind before he could stop them and he tensed. He hated himself for selfishly thinking of pleasure when Remus was clearly in pain.

“I didn’t want to be alone tonight,” Remus added.

“I’ll come stay with you next time then.”

ii.

At first, they only slept together once or twice a week so it was easy enough to find excuses.

“I can’t sleep, I need to tell someone this idea.”

“James’ snoring is too loud near my bed.”

“I just remembered this thing that happened in class today.”

“I’m cold and you have more blankets than I do.”

“Do you think owls ever gossip about our mail?”

“Peter won’t stop talking in his sleep I need to be as far away as possible.”

It wasn’t long before they ran out of easy excuses. And for reasons Remus refused to acknowledge, he and Sirius began visiting each other’s beds more often. By December he found himself sleeping with Sirius almost every night. Sometimes they didn’t even say anything when they slipped into the other’s bed. Maybe it was because they pretended the old excuses still applied and could therefore go unspoken. Maybe it was because they were too afraid to speak the new ones.

“The sound of your breathing soothes me.”

 “Seeing your face every morning makes me excited for a brand-new day.”

“The bed is too empty without you.”

“I can’t sleep without you anymore.”

“I want to be close to you.”

“I want you.”

Remus didn’t know what to think about it. He especially didn’t know what Sirius thought about it. Normally so open with his thoughts and feelings it seemed to be the one thing his friend was quiet about. He wondered what that silence meant but he didn’t bring it up. They were friends after all. Talking about what they were doing might make Sirius realize it wasn’t right to spend every night in bed with a friend. Remus wasn’t ready for that yet.

iii.

Sirius woke up the morning they were to go home for Christmas in Remus’ bed. He stared sleepily at his friend and the space between them. They had been sharing a bed almost every night for the past month now. Yet, they were still cautious with each other.

The careful way Remus angled his body away from him confused Sirius. Why did he stay away? Was it because, even though they could barely sleep alone any more, Remus still thought of them as nothing more than friends? It didn’t make sense to him. They had slept closer than this as friends, Sirius was sure of it. Nerves twisted in his belly as he wondered if maybe Remus was holding back because he too was afraid to push their friendship to where it seemed to want to be.

If that was the case, perhaps, if Sirius could just reach out and touch him, the whole charade would end and they could get on with it. As he slowly reached his hand across the duvet and towards Remus’ forearm, however, a voice startled them both.

“Oi! Sirius, you awake yet? If we miss the train mum will have us out for it you know,” came James’ loud voice from beyond the curtains.

Sirius stared wide eyes at Remus who had been startled awake and was trying to blink the sleep away so he could process what was happening. Fear gripped Sirius. They had been so careful about their sleeping arrangements. Each morning one of them went back to their own bed early before the others woke and mussed the covers to look like they had actually spent the night where they belonged. Of course, if they were being honest with themselves, where they belonged was with each other. But they weren’t quite ready to say that yet. Sirius did wish they could end the whole charade, but this hadn’t been the reveal he’d been hoping for.

The distinct sound of curtains being drawn and James saying, “Hey Peter, Sirius isn’t in his bed,” made Sirius flinch and Remus rolled his eyes at him. Before he knew what was happening, Remus had wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close. Remus tucked his head on top of Sirius’ and murmured, “It’ll be okay.”

A moment later, James pulled back Remus’ curtain. “Moony, have you seen- oh.“

“Bugger off James, we’ll get up soon.”

The curtains were yanked shut again and Remus snickered as he drew away and smiled at Sirius. He looked at Remus’ beaming face and pulled him back into his arms before he lost his nerve.

“Don’t go yet,” Sirius said.

iv.

By the time Remus got to the Potter Estate on New Year’s Eve, he was a jittery mess. Peter would certainly scold him for how much coffee he had been drinking at home but he couldn’t help it. He could barely sleep without Sirius in bed with him. On one hand, the withdrawal made him realize how much he had gotten used to his friend being in bed with him. Too used to it. Perhaps they should cut back so they could actually handle a night apart.

But Sirius’ words echoed in his head. _Don’t go yet_. So Remus wouldn’t. He didn’t really want to anyway.

He arrived at the Potters’ right on time and they spent the evening having a lovely dinner with James’ parents. Remus watched the way Euphemia and Fleamont treated Sirius and felt a flutter of happiness in his chest. The Potters were gentle and kind and didn’t push Sirius further than he could go. When Euphemia hugged all the boys before retiring for the night, she held back and waited for Sirius to come to her. Remus was pleased that they were letting Sirius enter their family at his own pace. It was what Sirius needed if he was ever going to realize how much he deserved their love.

The rest of the evening was filled with games, drinking, and mischief making. Remus tried not to think about the twinkle in Sirius’ eye when he laughed or how handsome he looked when he flicked his hair out of his face to concentrate during a game of cards. Sometimes he was successful. Other times, James had to say his name twice to even get his attention. He tried not to blush too much at his obvious distraction but it was no use, by the time they went to bed he was a brilliant shade of pink.

“Where’m I sleeping,” he mumbled as the four men trudged up the stairs a while after midnight. They had all had so much to drink at this point that their words were slurred and walking needed extra concentration.

“Figured you’d wanna sleep with Pads,” James said. He tried to turn and wink at Remus but tripped on the last step and landed face first in the hall.

“I got’im,” Peter said before propping James up and stumbling off toward his room.

“You don’t have to,” Sirius said when the others were out of earshot.

“I haven’t been able to bloody sleep without you,” Remus said in response. Before he could lose his nerve, he took Sirius’ hand and led him to bed.

Almost as soon as they shut the door behind them, they collapsed into bed together. Remus was vaguely aware that his head was resting on Sirius’ chest and that his friend’s arms were wrapped tightly around him. His heart pounded in his chest and his face reheated all over again. They had never slept this closely before, a tangled mess of awkward limbs. Remus realized he didn’t want to sleep any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was trying to make the boys' talking at the end sound a little slurred, sorry if it just sounded stupid ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	3. Chapter 3

i.

Sirius thought when they woke up together on New Year’s Day, they would finally talk about it. They had rolled apart during the night but Sirius was hyper aware of the way one of Remus’ hands rested on his hip and his face angled towards his. It felt more intimate than ever despite all the nights they had already spent together. He was content to just lie there and count the freckles that were splattered across Remus’ face.

But he must have stirred too much because soon after, Remus woke up. They stared at each other for a heavy moment and Sirius wondered what he should say first. Before he could think of the right thing, however, Remus frowned slightly and rolled away. He watched his friend get out of bed and stretch, feeling heat in his belly as Remus’ shirt rode up enough to show off his midriff. It disappeared just as suddenly when Remus muttered something about smelling breakfast and simply left him.

Sirius didn’t know what to think. Part of him had hoped that this was beginning to mean as much to Remus as it did him. But perhaps he had been wrong. Something certainly felt wrong as he sat at breakfast and Remus didn’t say a word to him. He didn’t understand what had caused the sudden shift, especially after last night when Remus had seemed more eager than ever to be with him.

By the time they returned to Hogwarts, Sirius was convinced that Remus had had enough of it. They were never going to talk about it and it would never happen again. He wasn’t nearly as successful trying to convince himself that he was okay with that.

So when Remus crept into his bed on their first night back, Sirius thought he was dreaming. They still didn’t say anything to each other, but that was fine for now. Sirius was content. Being with Remus was a good dream.

ii.

Remus realized that he was afraid to talk to Sirius about his feelings the morning they woke up together on New Year’s Day. The night before he had been so certain that he could do it. But that had clearly been the firewhiskey because as soon as he was sober, the courage left him.

He mentioned his fear to James a few days after they returned to Hogwarts and got only angry, incoherent muttering that eventually boiled down to a tired, “that’s obvious, you git.”

“What’s obvious?” Remus shot back, mildly offended that his friend knew more about what was going on in his own head than he did.

“Look,” James said. “I’m not one to judge about not knowing how to talk about your feelings for someone. But you two obviously have some sort of weird mutual pining shit going on between you so why not address it before it goes away?”

“You think he’d move on if I wait too long?” Remus nearly whispered it. The thought hadn’t occurred to him. In his mind, Sirius was just always going to be there. His worry must have been clear because the look on James’ face softened.

“No, I don’t think so,” he said finally.

That night when Sirius slipped into his bed, James’ words were still ringing in Remus’ ears.

iii.

“How many owls do you think it’d take to mail myself somewhere?” Sirius asked. He was sprawled across Remus’ bed, pushing aside the books and parchment Remus was clearly trying to use to complete an assignment.

“I don’t bloody know, why don’t you do ask James or Peter?”

Sirius rolled on his side and propped his chin on his hand to better study Remus. There had been a full moon a few days ago and Remus still looked tired from it. Something about the cold winter months always made the moons harder for him. Sirius knew catching up on missed classes and assignments was never easy so he sat up and straightened out the materials he had disturbed.

“You know if you did this at a desk you could focus better.”

“Since when do you lecture me about school work?”

“Since I outscored you in three O.W.L.S subjects.” Sirius smirked at the irritated scowl Remus shot his way and knew he had won. He peered at the transfiguration work scattered around them and said, “Here, let me help.”

They sat there for hours as Sirius helped Remus catch up on what he had missed. He knew James was really the best at transfiguration out of the four of them but he wasn’t half bad either. Besides, a niggling thought told him he was enjoying being close to Remus like this. Their intimacy was almost always reserved for night, when the curtains were drawn and they were asleep. Sirius enjoyed the way their hands brushed when they reached for a book at the same time. He enjoyed the way Remus leaned closer to hear him explain certain aspects of the spells. He enjoyed the way their knees pressed together as they inched closer and closer to each other.

Later, when Peter came to ask them if they were ready to go to dinner, he found they had fallen asleep working. Papers were still scattered around them and some had even fallen to the floor. His friends were barely touching as they had stretched out in different directions, but in sleep their hands had found each other. He smiled and tidied up the things that had fallen to the floor. Then, he drew the curtains, giving them some privacy, and went to find James for dinner.

iv.

“Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.” Remus wasn’t sure why he said it. He kind of wanted to kick himself for not saying literally anything else. But when Sirius had climbed into his bed that night, he hadn’t wanted to just fall asleep without talking to each other at all. As they had say together working on transfiguration the other day, Remus had realized that he wanted to do that more. He had been so worried that all they had together was sleeping, but that day had shown him how much chemistry there really was between them. So now here he was, talking about bloody Valentine’s Day of all things.

“Valentine’s Day was invented by shop keepers looking to make an extra buck,” Sirius murmured, rolling over to face Remus. The other man’s brilliant grey eyes practically shone in the dark and Remus’ heart stuttered thinking about how beautiful he really was.

“I thought you were a little more romantic than that.” Even though he wasn’t sure why he brought the holiday up, Remus really did think Sirius would have reacted to it with more excitement. After all, he was always going on about how James had to make a grand romantic gesture if he ever wanted Lily to notice him as more than a friend.

Sirius didn’t say anything in response, only hummed nonchalantly. Before Remus realized he was doing it, Sirius had flung an arm around him and pulled him close. He tried to calm his racing heart, sure his friend could hear it with his face pressed so close to his chest. Heat coursed through him and he was suddenly hoping his heart beat wasn’t the only thing Sirius wouldn’t notice.

“Go to sleep, love,” Sirius whispered into the base of his neck. Remus tried not to shiver at the feeling of Sirius’ lips barely brushing against his skin.

How was he supposed to sleep after that? Thoughts raced around his head as he tried to understand what Sirius was doing, what he was thinking, what it all meant. Eventually, he was lulled to sleep by Sirius’ own soft snoring but his dreams were still a jumbled mix of confusion and desire.

When he finally woke, Sirius had already gotten up. Remus took advantage of the empty bed to slowly stretch his long limbs. As he did so, he hit something un expected beside him. He propped himself up and found a large box of chocolates on his bed with a small note left on top. The note wasn’t signed, but he knew instantly who it was from. A smile lit up his face as he read it again and again.

_I got these for you last week. Say I’m not romantic again and I’ll eat all the cherry flavoured ones._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was listening to [the canadian tenors' version of hallelujah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wllPTTIi1GY) on repeat while writing part 4 and i made me really emotional lol. anyway, thank you for all the love on the last chapter! come find me on tumblr [@swearwolflupin](http://swearwolflupin.tumblr.com/) if you want to chat


	4. Chapter 4

i.

Remus woke up and, before he even opened his eyes, knew he was in the hospital wing. He knew from the ache of his leg muscles, the familiar sting of a new wound on his shoulder, and the soft light of the afternoon filtering through the white curtains that always separated him from other students. The extra weight on the bed and the fingers rubbing soft circles on the back of his hand, however, was new.

He slowly opened his eyes and found Sirius was with him. Remus had hoped it’d be him but James, Peter and even Lily were often there when he came to so he never got his hopes up for only Sirius. His friend had pulled his chair as close to the bed as possible and, while trying to do charms homework from the looks of it, had rested his head on the bed and fallen asleep. Remus wondered if Sirius had taken his hand before or after. If it had been a conscious decision or not. He really hoped it had been.

Nearly two months had gone by since Valentine’s Day and Remus’ head still spun every time he tried to make sense of what was happening between them. He had tried to give Sirius signs that he liked it and wanted it to continue. He sat closer to him on the couches in the Common Room, arm slung behind them and hand running through Sirius’ hair. He hooked his ankle around Sirius’ every time they sat next to each other in the Great Hall. Once, he had even come close to kissing him.

They had been alone in their dorm one morning. Remus was sure that Sirius was getting dressed so damn slowly just to fuck with him. Sirius claimed that going to Hogsmeade required the right “look” and he just couldn’t find a certain shirt. It was agony. Honestly, who could eat so much and still have abs like that?

He had been doing fine, until Sirius breezed by him just a little too close. Remus felt the brush of Sirius’ bare stomach across his arm and he lost it. A moment later he had Sirius pushed up against one of his bed posts, wrists pinned above his head. The smirk the other man sent his way drove him up the bloody wall. Remus wanted him. And that smirk told him that Sirius _knew it_ and really had been fucking with him. Infuriating.

Remus leaned in, as close as he could get without actually kissing him. He felt Sirius go still, heard his breath hitch, saw his eyes darken. And knew Sirius wanted him too. But anxiety flared in his chest as he realized what he was doing and before he could push it any further, he hoarsely whispered, “Put a fucking shirt on.”

He let Sirius go and stormed out to wait with James and Peter. Since then he had been agonizing over not taking his chance when he had it. He hated himself for being too cowardly to jump in feet first and just let it finally happen.

But Sirius was still here. Watching over him, caring for him, holding his hand. Remus felt his heart clench as he realized that maybe he hadn’t blown his chance. He drifted back to sleep with a smile on his face at the idea of another chance being just around the corner.

ii.

_Go to sleep, love._

Ever since Valentine’s Day, Sirius had wanted to kick himself. Merlin, where had that even come from? Yes, he had been sharing a bed with Remus and yes he had gotten him a gift for a day usually celebrated between lovers. But calling him _love_? Was he _insane_?

He tried to brush it off and forget it had happened. He called people that all the time right? But it had felt different. His tongue had formed the word softly and with care, as if Remus were the only one he was ever meant to say the word to. Some nights, when Remus had already fallen asleep, Sirius would say it again. Just to see how it felt.

“Sweet dreams, love.”

“Night, love.”

“Love.”

“Remus, my love.”

“I love you.”

Every time he said it, no matter how, it always felt right. So he decided to see if Remus might feel any bit the same and began to taunt the other man. He’d run his hands down Remus’ arms when they lay in bed together at night. He’d gently touch Remus’ back on his way by to see James. He’d wink at him over his goblet when Peter told a dirty joke at dinner. But on the day Remus slammed him up against the four-poster bed, Sirius wondered what he’d been doing all this time. It was just flirting yes, but did he really want it to happen this way? With Remus frustrated and confused and, possibly, angry?

Part of Sirius had been happy when Remus had pulled away so abruptly. It hadn’t been right. They needed to bloody talk about their shit before they did anything or it would never work between them.

“Are you awake?” he whispered as he crawled into Remus’ bed. Pomfrey had let Remus go back to the dorm but she insisted that he had to take it easy while the work she had done to fix up his shoulder finished healing. Sirius was conscious of this as he slowly settled down on the side where Remus wasn’t injured.

“It’s hard to sleep after,” Remus said quietly. He didn’t have to explain. Sirius had always noticed he had trouble sleeping after the full moons. He sometimes wondered if his presence in bed did any good. If it soothed Remus, made him feel safe enough to fall asleep.

What he had wanted to talk about could wait. The feelings threatening to break him in two if he didn’t talk about them soon, could wait. For now, he gently wrapped an arm around Remus and said, “It’s okay, I got you.”

iii.

“What’s going on between you and Sirius?”

Lately, during his prefect duties Remus had been getting paired with fifth years. So he was thrilled when he was finally paired with Lily. If he had to hear any more complaining about O.W.L.S he would throw himself down some stairs and say they had suddenly started moving on him to get out of rounds for a few nights. But if he’d known he’d have to have this conversation, he might have thrown himself down some stairs anyway. Now he was trapped with her.

“Don’t know what you mean,” he said stubbornly. Remus loved Lily, and he loved that she had been spending more time with the four of them, but Merlin was she too observant for his own good.

“Fuck off, you know exactly what I mean lover boy.” Despite his best effort to hide it, he felt his neck turn nearly as red as her hair. She laughed at him and looped their arms together, pulling him so close that it made walking awkward. He didn’t mind though, everything could be made more comfortable when Lily was with you. Maybe that’s why he finally opened up to her about it.

“I don’t know what’s going on between us, to be honest. We’ve been sleeping together nearly every night. The more I’m with him, the more I hate being without him. There’s just something pulling us together and I think he feels it too. But every time something might happen, something else just holds us back.”

“Maybe you’re the ones holding yourselves back.”

“Yeah, maybe.” He looked down at her as she stared straight ahead, looking like she was concentrating hard on something.

“Well you oughta sort it out don’t you think?” Remus laughed. All that time acting like she was concentrating and that’s what she came up with? Lily Evans really was something else; sometimes he could almost see why James was so smitten.

When he got back from rounds he changed out of his robes and into his pajamas. It was getting warmer out and with the added heat of Sirius’ body, he decided to skip the shirt. He smirked as he wondered how Sirius might react. Two could play the whole taunting-you-with-my-nearly-naked-body game. He crawled into bed, a smile still on his face from his time with Lily, and made himself comfortable. Sirius turned toward him. Remus felt pleased as, despite the dark, he saw his friend’s skin flush.

“What’re you so happy about?” Sirius mumbled.

“Nothing really. I just got to spend some time with Lily tonight. She made me think about some things.”

“It’s too late for thinking.”

Remus rolled his eyes and reached across the empty space between them that only got smaller each night. He cupped Sirius’ face and slowly slid his hand backwards until he was running fingers through the man’s soft hair.

“Well,” he said, slowly pondering how he could say this next part. “Go to sleep now and in the morning, you can think about whether you want to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend.”

“I always go to Hogsmeade with you, you prat.”

“No, Sirius, not like that.”

Sirius didn’t say anything else and his even breathing told Remus he had fallen back to sleep. His stomach twisted in a knot with worry that he had been too bold. But something about the way Sirius relaxed into his touch and fell asleep with a smile on his face told Remus he hadn’t been. He had a feeling they both already knew the answer. Neither of them needed to think about it any longer.

iv.

“Why did I agree to this, James?” Sirius’ head was down against their table in the Great Hall. Lily and James sat across from him, mild looks of concern on their faces but mostly just amusement.

“Is he having a melt down again?” Peter asked as he took a seat beside him. Sirius turned his head just to glare at him. His so-called friends just laughed.

“Look, mate,” Peter said as James and Lily’s laughter died down. “I just left Remus outside the door and he’s shitting himself too so just relax.”

“I think, what Peter is trying to say,” Lily said, “is that you’re both equally nervous because you both have wanted this for so long. Just relax and it’ll be fine.”

She reached over and lifted his chin so that he was staring into her brilliant green eyes. Ever since Lily had started chumming around with them, something special had settled between them. One night he found her crying in the Common Room and before he realized it he was holding her, stroking her hair, telling her it was okay that she had a shit sister, because he’d be her brother now. Something passed between them that night and it passed between them in the look she gave him now. Lily said it would be okay. He believed her.

“Better release Pads, Lily, you don’t want Remus thinking you’re trying to seduce his date,” chimed in James.

He whipped his head toward the entrance to the Great Hall and sure enough, Remus was striding towards them. Sirius’ stomach did a flip. Why was this huge loser so bloody attractive? He felt his body start to slide off the bench and under the table. It was fight or flight mode and he was getting the hell out of there. He wanted to fight for this thing between them, he really did. But fear of the unknown gripped him and made him want to run back to the comfortable seclusion of their bed curtains where they didn’t have to worry about anything.

Sirius snapped out of it when he felt sharp kicks to both his shins. He sat up straighter and glared at the pair across from him. He’d give James and Lily shit later for being so in sync that they kicked him at the same time. But for now, he had a date to pay attention to.

“Ready to go?” Remus asked. Sirius had to crane his neck to get a good look at him, the damn fool had a smile so bright that it lit up the Great Hall and still he was nervously shitting from foot to foot.

“Yeah, I’m ready.” He stood and hesitantly took Remus’ hand. Remus gently squeezed his fingers, reassuring him. “We’ll see you guys later.”

“Have him back by ten!” James hollered as they walked away.

“Use protection!” Peter added.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Lily added.

As they left the Great Hall and joined the stream of students heading to Hogsmeade for the day, Sirius looked at Remus and quirked his eyebrow. “What wouldn’t Lily do?”

“James?” Remus offered.

The pair burst out in laughter at their friend’s expense. Sirius couldn’t believe he had been having doubts about this day. This had been a long time coming and now that it was finally happening, it just felt right. After all, with Remus with him, everything was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy nineteen years later every one!! thank you so much for all the love on the previous chapters. you can find me on tumblr @swearwolflupin <3


	5. Chapter 5

i.

For about three hours, their Hogsmeade visit was perfect. They visited Honeyduke’s first. Even though they were without James and Peter, they still had to keep the tradition alive or they’d get chewed out later. Remus was sure that when the others arrived after them, they would superstitiously visit the sweet shop first too.

After he stocked up on chocolate, which Sirius tried unsuccessfully to pay for, they wandered aimlessly and enjoyed the weather. The last time they had been in Hogsmeade, winter was still stubbornly gripping the little town, squeezing out all the color and excitement. Now it felt like spring had finally arrived. Remus enjoyed taking deep breaths of the fresh new air and admiring all the blossoming leaves. And if he kept sneaking glances at Sirius as they walked, well he could admire more than one nice thing at once.

Part of him thought that if he believed in fate, he’d say that the perfect day was a sign of what was to come between the two of them. Spring meant new beginnings, after all.

After some time spent staring into the window of Dominic Maestro’s Music Shop, Sirius salivating slightly at the instruments inside, the pair turned to meet their friends at Zonko’s before they would head off for a private lunch together.

“Why don’t you ever go in there?” Remus asked as they walked away from the music shop. He knew Sirius played something but the other man had never told any of them what it was. He had a feeling that James knew now that Sirius was living with the Potters, but he had kept Sirius’ secret for now. _Bastard_. 

Sirius simply hummed and took Remus’ hand instead of answering. Remus felt his stomach do flips as his cheeks turned what was definitely a very bright shade of red. Sure they had held hands before, but not in a place this public. It made it feel so official and while he was quite pleased about it, something nibbled at his nerves. He tried not to glance around them as they walked, tried not to think about what others might be thinking. But, as they were crossing the street toward the joke shop, he did look. He didn’t expect the striking grey eyes that stared right back at him.

Regulus Black stood on the side of the street they had just vacated. His mouth slightly parted and his brow furrowed, Remus felt like he looked surprised to see the two of them. He almost rolled his eyes because this was _their_ spot. The Marauders were always in Hogsmeade and everyone knew that. Remus quickly realized though, that it was not their presence that surprised Regulus but what they were doing.

It was like time slowed in that moment and Remus felt squeezed into the tight space that was the three of them. Sirius, somehow attuned to his slowed pace, turned to see what was delaying him and finally saw his brother standing on the curb. He wished he could float away from his body and watch them both at once, instead of turning his head back and forth to read their expressions. He wanted to catch every flicker, every tense thing that passed between the brothers.

If he weren’t so attuned to Sirius, Remus felt that he would have missed the slight shake of the man’s head that finally occurred after what felt like hours of stillness. Regulus’ mouth pressed into a thin line and he closed his eyes for a beat longer than normal. Remus wondered why. For once he felt like he didn’t really know Sirius at all. What had happened between them? What were they saying to each other without the need for words? Perhaps it was something he, as an only child, just couldn’t understand but in this moment Remus felt like Sirius had been keeping something significant from him.

“You should go. Quickly. ” Regulus’ voice was hoarser than the last time Remus had seen him. It was the voice of someone who had matured, perhaps sooner than he had wanted to.

Before either of them could ask what the boy meant, a group of Slytherins came out of the shop behind Regulus. Remus recognized them instantly as a bad lot of kids. Ones who had been picking fights more and more recently with anyone slightly different from them. Sirius’ hand suddenly felt very hot in his and he knew they were in trouble.

Regulus had tried to warn them.

ii.

For about three hours, their Hogsmeade visit was perfect. And while running into his little brother hadn’t exactly been Sirius’ idea of a great first date with Remus, he wasn’t going to complain. Part of him missed Regulus and was happy to see him. Part of him even wished that Remus hadn’t been with them so that he could ask his brother how he really was.

His stomach twisted as he realized how fucked that was. Sirius didn’t want to hide things from Remus. He wanted to share everything with the man who was his best friend and hopefully more. He vowed that as soon as they talked about the shit that was going on between them, then he would open up about the mess that was his relationship with Regulus.

“You should go. Quickly. ”

By the time Sirius understood what Regulus meant, it was too late.

Any other group of Slytherins and Sirius might have felt okay. Safe, even. They still might have jeered at him, but because he was some sort of blood traitor not because he was holding a boy’s hand in the middle of Hogsmeade. Plenty of Slytherins were like him. It was the one thing he felt he had in common with many of them.

But these Slytherins weren’t the safe sort. They were the mean, cruel, and prejudiced in every way sort.

“What have we here?”

“Isn’t this your brother, Reg?”

“What is he? A blood traitor and _a fairy too_?”

In this moment, as their jeers became worse and they inched past Regulus who stood as still as stone, Sirius glanced at Remus. His eyes were hard and his mouth set in a thin line. He was still gripping Sirius’ hand, tighter even than before. _He could have let go,_ Sirius thought almost in awe that this man was willing to be with him even if it meant facing this gang of Slytherins.

Spit landed before Sirius’ boots and he saw a wand being drawn out of the corner of his eye. He knew he should reach for his own, but Remus was still holding his dominant hand.

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” Boomed a voice from behind them. Sirius gasped in relief as James Potter stepped between them and the Slytherins. Always so dramatic with his heroics, but this time Sirius was grateful.

“Move along now, all of you before we report this harassment and get you all detention for the next month.” Lily’s voice was behind him and Sirius knew his friends had surrounded them. They must have been wondering why Sirius and Remus hadn’t made it to Zonko’s yet and come looking for them.

The Slytherins muttered some more nasty words at them but moved along relatively quickly. Sirius was almost amused at how easily they scattered at a Prefect’s threat of detention. But he saw them grab Regulus and pull him away too and felt a spike of worry. He hoped his brother would be alright with them. Regulus already got enough shit for Sirius’ choices. Even when they weren’t getting along, Sirius hated seeing him hurt.

After the group turned a corner and were out of sight, a collective breath was let out by everyone in their group. James wrapped an arm around Lily and Peter patted Remus’ shoulder. Remus didn’t seem to notice though, he was too busy staring intently at Sirius. His green eyes sparkled and Sirius wanted nothing more in that moment than to finally kiss him.

“Thanks for the help,” Remus finally muttered.

“Merlin are you alright? What did they do to you?” Peter asked.

“Nothing really, we’re fine.” Remus raised his eye brows as he said it, as if asking Sirius if that were true. He nodded slightly, agreeing with him but also forming a plan of his own. A plan to get away from their friends and be alone with Remus.

“I think we’ll just head back to the castle for the rest of the day though,” he said. The others only protested a little, wanting their friends to enjoy their day but understanding that the ordeal they just went through must have been tiring. As they walked back, hand in hand, Sirius thought that he was hardly tired.

But he had some things in mind that might tire him out eventually.

iii.

“Are we going to talk about it?” Remus asked as they made their way up the stairs to the dormitory. Although the nice weather meant that the Common Room was deserted, they had still bypassed it in favor of comfort and privacy.

“There’s a lot of things we need to talk about, which are you referring to?” Sirius sounded like he was in good spirits, which made Remus feel better. More confident.

When he had stared at Sirius back in Hogsmeade, he had wanted to convey that they get away from there. Find somewhere to just be alone together, like they had both wanted all day. He had wondered if it was mere coincidence that Sirius suggested they leave, or if the man had gotten and agreed with his message. It seemed to be the latter.

“Perhaps we should talk about what just happened first,” he said as he walked into their shared room and Sirius shut the door behind him.

“Those Slytherins were just bored and looking for people to harass.” Sirius shrugged as he toed off his muddy boots by his trunk. Remus watched as he then pulled off his thick sweater and the shirt underneath rode up with it. He wished it could just come off too.

“Yes, but,” he said slowly as he unbuttoned his coat and tossed it to the side, making eye contact with Sirius all the while.

“But?”

“This might be something that we have to deal with often if we, you know, keep doing this.”

They had slowly gravitated closer and Sirius was less than an arm’s length away from him now. Remus wanted to reach out and hold his hand again. He felt so useless without it. As if holding Sirius were what he had been made to do. Merlin, James was rubbing off on him.

“What is _this_?” Sirius was fixing his hair, pulling it back with an elastic that he definitely stole from Marlene. Remus noticed that he was looking at anything but him and he let out a frustrated huff at the man’s stubbornness. Before he could lose his nerve, he took Sirius’ face in his hands and forced him to look him in the eyes.

“You know what this is.”

Remus could tell that his voice was hoarse and he wanted to kick himself. Was it too soon to show so much raw emotion? Too soon to convey how much he loved this man? But Sirius’ eyes darkened and a small smirk appeared on his face and Remus felt that perhaps it wasn’t too soon. It was just the perfect time.

“Maybe you should show me.” They were bold words, but Sirius could only whisper them. Remus’ heart thudded in his chest and he let his thumb drift toward Sirius’ lips. Sirius’ smirk only grew as he did so and it drove him crazy. Just crazy enough.

“Fine,” Remus sighed. Sirius quirked a brow and started to laugh at him, but Remus cut it off with a kiss.

Sirius’ lips were soft against his as Remus kissed him slowly. For the first few seconds it was like any other kiss Remus had had. It was sweet and careful with his hands still gently cupping Sirius’ face. But as the seconds passed, they slowly came to life.

Tick. Sirius’ tongue traced Remus’ bottom lip.

Tick. One of Remus’ hands tangled in Sirius’ hair as the other pulled them flush together.

Tick. Sirius moaned happily into his mouth.

Remus pushed Sirius back until their legs knocked against a bed. He didn’t care which; his or Sirius’ it didn’t really matter when they shared them every night any way. Sirius hands roamed his body, lighting a fire in their wake and Remus reveled in the heat, even the rough callouses on the man’s hands were a pleasure. Sirius let Remus push until they were laying on the bed, Remus on top but pulled away slightly so he could take Sirius in. He was breathless and smiling and his cheeks were flushed. Hovering over him, Remus realized Sirius Black was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Tick. Remus was lost.

iv.

They hadn’t closed the curtains fully so the sun shone in more than usual. They had barely left the bed since yesterday afternoon when Remus had pushed him into it. Not that Sirius minded. He had wanted this all year. Remus kissing him, sometimes lazily and sometimes urgently. Remus running his hands up and down his body and through his hair. Remus whispering in his ear that he was wonderful and brilliant and every other flattering adjective he could think of. They had spent their evening snogging, laughing, and, finally, talking.

“I want to be with you,” Remus had whispered. He was laying on his back as Sirius sat beside him, slurping a bowl of soup Peter and James had brought back from the Great Hall. Remus had already devoured the sandwich they brought him, hence his lounging.

“You saw today what being with me gets you.” Sirius was almost surprised that he had said it. But he still hadn’t been able to shake the confrontation.

“I thought we already covered that it’s something we can deal with, if this is what we do it for.”

Sirius stared at him curiously. He used to wonder how much he felt between them was imagined out of hope that Remus shared his feelings. The look on the man’s face and the things he was saying now, however, told him that he had been wrong to think that. Nothing was imagined, everything was mutual. He smiled slowly and set aside his now empty bowl. He leaned down beside Remus and kissed him slowly, head tilted and thumb brushing along his jaw. Sirius knew he’d never get sick of him.

“I want to be with you too,” Sirius said.

And that was that. Something had finally clicked into place between them and they fell asleep for the first time as SiriusandRemus not just Sirius and Remus.

Sirius leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Remus’ forehead to wake him up. He watched him intently simply because he could now. It no longer mattered if Remus caught him. In fact, he wanted Remus to catch him. Wanted to see what the man would do when he saw how much the sight of him pleased him.

He drank in the slow way Remus blinked his eyes open. The way the morning sun emphasized the freckles on his face and the golden hues of his hair. The way he smiled when he saw Sirius watching him.

“Wait until James finds out we snogged each other before he could snog Lily,” Sirius finally said.

“I could hear the snogging perfectly fine last night so I already know, thanks!” James’ irritated voice filtered through the curtains and Sirius’ eyes widened in surprise.

Remus only laughed. His laugh was the kind that people wrote poems about. It lit up the room and Sirius happily basked in its warmth. When Remus leaned over to kiss him, a smile was still there and Sirius couldn’t help but smile back. They finally pulled away from each other, grinning like idiots, each happier than they had ever been before.

“Took you long enough though,” James said, almost as an afterthought.

Sirius rolled his eyes but he had to agree. It had taken them long enough. Perhaps, too long. But he pulled Remus close to him and vowed that the wait was worth it. He was never letting go.


	6. Chapter 6

i.

Remus spent almost the entire summer at the Potters’. His parents didn’t seem to mind. Honestly, he thought his mother was a little relieved not to have to deal with his _little problem_. He didn’t blame her.

Instead he spent the long summer days exploring muggle towns with the boys and Lily, getting ice cream floats and catching fireflies. Merlin it sounded so lame, but they knew this was their last summer of freedom before the real world. And as it stood the real world didn’t look so exciting to be a part of at that moment.

He and Lily would stay up late at night, whispering about what it’s like to have muggle parents, and wondering if they’d still have some of the same friends when they returned to Hogwarts.

Remus didn’t mind when he wasn’t chosen as Head Boy.

Things already felt hard enough without the added stress and besides, now he would have more time to spend with Sirius.

He rested his head on his boyfriend’s—it was still so weird calling him that and yet, it felt oh so right—shoulder as the train sped closer to Hogwarts. He would have to leave soon to attend the prefect meeting, but for now he would stay here, happy and content.

Sirius pressed a kiss to his forehead and they sped on toward their final year at Hogwarts.

Toward one final year of bliss. Before the pain of a war would tear them all apart.

ii.

The first month of school went by faster than ever and Sirius was happy it was finally a Hogsmeade weekend. He and Remus had decided that they would stay in, sleep late and take advantage of an empty dorm room.

They had yet to go _all the way_ —as Peter called it, complete with eyebrow waggling. But oh how Sirius longed to. He thought maybe with the others gone to Hogsmeade for the day, this could finally be their chance.

He pressed a kiss to Remus’s bare shoulder, relishing the softness of his skin against his lips. Remus turned his head and smiled at him, blinking the sleep from his eyes.

Sirius loved that look.

“Morning,” he said.

“Not quite. I think it’s already noon,” Remus groaned as he stretched.

“What can I say, I like being in bed with you for as long as possible.” They hadn’t spent a night apart since returning to Hogwarts. Even after the last full moon, Sirius had snuck into the hospital wing and stayed with him. Remus had been so pale, so tired, and still he had been cracking wise ass jokes so good Sirius’ sides ached with laughter the entire time.

Remus rolled on top of him suddenly and Sirius gasped. The mischievous smile on his boyfriend’s face sent shivers down his spine and he curled his hands into the waist of Remus’ pants, pulling him closer.

“I can think of some things that would keep us in bed even longer,” Remus whispered into his ear. Sirius’ back arched as Remus began kissing that spot on his neck. His hold beneath Remus’ pants to the bare skin of his hips and tightened. Remus knew what that spot did to him. It drove him crazy with pleasure but it also _tickled_.

“Enough,” he hissed before twisting his head to capture Remus’ mouth with his own.

Sirius often felt like snogging Remus was like drinking firewhiskey. It was warmth and pleasure and he couldn’t get enough of it.

The curtains on their bed were yanked back suddenly and they nearly jumped apart. They were comfortable with James and Peter catching them occasionally after they had been officially been together for nearly five months now. It was just bound to happen. But still some warning would’ve been bloody nice.

Sirius glared up at James, assuming he was about to hear once again about how James was worried about making a move on Lily. Instead his friend’s face was serious. That made him pause and he propped himself up on his elbows.

“What is it, mate?”

“Both of you get dressed, we’re having a meeting up here in ten.”

Then he was gone, leaving Sirius and Remus to ponder what was going on.

_It better be bloody good for interrupting us._

iii.

Remus lay in his bed that night, mind reeling from what they had learned that day. After he and Sirius had dressed, James came back with not only Peter and Lily, but Marlene and Mary too. It had been odd, seeing all the girls in their dorm. He thought he noticed James looking between his mess of a corner and Lily nervously and found brief amusement in it.

Then Marlene shared the information she had with them.

“I’m good friends with Frank Longbottom, he used to help me with my herbology assignments,” she started. “We haven’t seen each other since he graduated last year so we met up for coffee in Hogsmeade this morning. He told me he’s joining an organization to fight You Know Who. When I found Lily and James and told them about it, they thought we should all meet here to talk.”

“It’s called the Order of the Phoenix,” Lily chimed in, “Dumbledore runs it.”

“Who else would,” James said.

The seven of them had talked about it for hours. What was happening outside of Hogwarts, what it might mean to join the Order. Whether Dumbledore would even let them join. It was a lot to take in. Remus wanted to fight, he really did, but a cold nervous fear had settled in his chest. What would it be like to fight a war with his condition? He didn’t voice his fears, even though he could feel Sirius’ increasingly concerned stare the entire time they talked.

Remus was still staring at the canopy above him when Sirius finally slipped into bed. He knew instantly from the way Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around him and pressed his face into his hair, inhaling deeply, that Sirius had decided to join.

“Remus, I—”

“No, don’t talk about it right now. Just sleep with me.”

So they did.

iv.

They didn’t talk about it again. Sirius thought maybe they would talk about it on Halloween. Or even on his birthday for Merlin’s sake. But Remus remained quiet about the Order, always walking away whenever any of them brought it up. It was driving him crazy.

The night before they left for Christmas break, Remus slipped into bed with a sigh and wrapped Sirius up in his arms. Sirius’ agitation nearly faded away as Remus kissed him and lazily ran his hands up and down his back.

They had had sex for the first time on Sirius’ birthday. It was kind of cheesy, he thought, but finally letting themselves belong completely to each other was the best birthday gift he had ever had.

He could tell Remus wanted it tonight by the way his teeth tugged at his lower lip and his hand slipped into his pants. And that’s when the realization appeared in Sirius’ head that they both wanted something. If Remus wanted him, Sirius was getting some answers first.

So he snuck his hands between their chests and gently pushed Remus away. The pout on his face was hard to resist but he was determined, dammit.

“I want you to tell me what you’re thinking about the Order,” he said sternly. A cold mask descended over Remus’ face and he rolled onto his back. Sirius thought for a moment that he might just stare at the canopy until he fell asleep and not say a single word.

“It’s going to be different for people like me, Sirius,” Remus said finally.

“For half-bloods? Remus the resistance is full of people like you, Lily is—”

“ _Monsters_ like me.”

“Oh.” Remus snorted at Sirius’ pathetic response. Of course that was what this was about, though. It always came down to this. Sirius understood, really he did. But it pained him to see how much Remus could hate himself for being who he was.

“Do you want to fight the Death Eaters?” he asked finally.

“Of course I do, but—”

“Then there’s no buts. We’re all joining the Order when the school year is over and that includes you.”

“I don’t know if it’s going to be that easy for me, Sirius.”

“Nothing will be easy, it’s a bloody war out there.” Sirius drew Remus back to him and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “But we’ll be together. And we’ll have Prongs and Wormtail, and don’t forget about the girls. They’re downright frightening, those Death Eaters should just quit now.”

Remus chuckled and kissed him back. Sirius knew the conversation wasn’t really over yet. But it was enough for now. So he kissed his boyfriend and dreamed about a future together when this war would be just another bad memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *waves sheepishly* Hi all, sorry I haven't updated in nearly a year. To be honest with you, I was having a bad time mentally and couldn't find it in me to write. But I've gotten back into it now and will hopefully be finishing this up soon. I have an outline... as it stands now the chapter count is roughly 15, but that may change a little depending on what I decide to keep or cut.
> 
> There won't be a year between updates at least I can tell you that much. I was going to write a few chapters ahead of time so I could post more regularly but I was too excited about getting back on here so I'm posting this one right away. But next thing I'm going to do is save up a few chapters so I can do more frequent posts for you all.
> 
> Thank you all for being patient and amazing. If anyone is still reading this fic after such a long break, I hope this satisfied the wait. I love you all.


	7. Chapter 7

i.

Sirius licked chocolate frosting from his fingers as he quickly scurried out of the kitchen. Mrs. Potter—Mum—yelled at him about messing up her cake as he escaped, but he knew she didn’t really mind. She always saved extra frosting for this very reason.

_Merlin, he loved her._

He padded back into the sitting room where his friends were gathered for the night. The winter holiday would be over in a few days and they were all relaxing before they returned to school and the reality of having to take their NEWTs soon set in.

Mary and Marlene had joined them that night and Peter was talking to them, gesturing wildly about something. Sirius had a feeling he was telling them about their plans for the prank they had planned for the first day back at Hogwarts. It wouldn’t be a return to Hogwarts without a little mischief after all.

Remus and Lily were playing chess. James had been playing Remus when Sirius had left for the kitchen and Sirius noticed he had a rather sour expression on his face. He smirked. That’s what he got for always being such an “in your face” type of winner.

Sirius sat down beside Remus and rested his chin on his shoulder. He raised a brow when he noticed James and Lily’s hands on the floor, fingers barely touching. _At this rate Prongs might ask her out before we’re forty,_ he thought.

He almost missed it, when Lily made the final move that backed Remus into a corner.

“Check mate,” she said, a smirk tugging at her lips. James whooped at Remus’ fallen expression.

“Yes! Take that mate! That’s my brilliant Lily!”

And then he was taking her face in his hands and pressing an ecstatic kiss to her lips. He pulled away just as suddenly, his face going a stunning shade of red. Sirius almost choked. Beside him, Remus shook with silent laughter. The others in the room had gone silent.

Lily’s mouth hung open and James started to stammer something and run a hand through his hair. Sirius tried not to roll his eyes.

He was glad he didn’t, for he might have missed Lily’s cheeks begin to flush, right before she threw herself at James and started snogging him.

Mary and Marlene were cheering. Peter was clapping his hands and saying, “About bloody time!”

Sirius wolf whistled.

But then he looked at Remus, who had a subdued, almost sad expression on his face and he stopped grinning. He put his hand on the small of his back.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” he murmured. Remus looked at him, an almost emptiness in his eyes.

“Nothing, I’m just tired. I think I’m going to go to bed.” He unfolded his long limbs and was out of the sitting room in the blink of an eye.

When Sirius went to bed an hour later, he was almost certain Remus wasn’t asleep yet. He could tell from the way the other man breathed. But when he lay down beside him, Remus kept his back to him and Sirius stared at the ceiling, wondering what he’d done wrong.

ii.

They barely talked during the train ride back to Hogwarts. Remus wanted to kick himself. Why did he always do this? He knew it wasn’t fair to push Sirius away with no explanation. But it was also easier to let his fears stew inside of him than to confront them.

He loved James and Lily and was ecstatic to finally see them together. But that night in James’ sitting room had stirred the doubt that had been lurking in his gut since. Would he and Sirius ever be able to be that happy? They’d certainly never be able to be that normal. Remus knew his condition would always cause some sort of problem and he didn’t want to hold Sirius back.

Perhaps it was time for him to call this off.

The very thought made his heart hurt.

So that night, after barely saying more than a few words to each other all day, Remus crawled into Sirius’ bed, determined not to think of it for the time being.

“Oh, so you’re done ignoring me?” Sirius mumbled as Remus wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

“Shut up,” he whispered in between pressing kisses to Sirius’ neck. He hadn’t shaved, and the stubble scratched Remus’ lips. He liked that.

Sirius let out a soft moan and his hand brushed through Remus’ hair. He liked that too, when Sirius threaded his fingers through his curls. But suddenly Sirius was tugging on it so that he was forced to bring his face away from his neck. Sirius leaned in so that their noses were almost touching. Remus almost thought he would kiss him, but then he spoke.

“You don’t get to ignore me for days and then just act normal without bloody talking about whatever your issue is.”

“Don’t be like that.” Remus wasn’t sure if his voice was hoarse from desire or pain.

“Just talk to me, Remus, _please_ ,” Sirius’ hand drifted from the back of his head and brushed Remus’ cheekbone. The touch was so gentle and loving, it made him want to spill out all his doubts right there. He only kept his mouth shut because he didn’t know where to begin. And Remus feared that once he started talking, it would be the beginning of the end.

“No, of course you won’t.”

“Sirius.”

“Get out of my bed.”

So he did.

iii.

It had been nearly two weeks since they returned to Hogwarts. Sirius threw himself into everything he could. He did his assignments on time. He wrote letters to the Potters. He helped Peter study for NEWTS. He even woke up at ungodly hours to practice new quidditch plays with James.

He did everything he could to avoid thinking about Remus, because thinking about him would lead to finding himself in the other man’s bed.

It had happened once. Three days after he’d kicked him out of his own, Sirius had crawled into Remus’ bed. Neither of them said a thing. They understood what they wanted, and after they were done Sirius left and they slept alone.

Sirius was determined not to let it happen again. He would stand his ground until Remus talked to him about his bloody issues.

But Merlin, he’d never thought it would be so painful to sleep alone.

iv.

“What’d you do to my brother?”

Remus nearly jumped in his seat. He was in the most secluded alcove he could find in the library and hadn’t heard anyone approach. When he turned and saw Regulus Fucking Black standing behind him, arms crossed and expression haughty, Remus was even more surprised.

“Excuse me?”

_Brilliant. What an eloquent response, Remus._

“What did you do to my brother?” Regulus asked again, slowly pronouncing his words as if Remus were a bloody simpleton. But that wasn’t what got to him, he didn’t give two fucks about how this kid talked to him. What got to him, was that he had the nerve to ask about Sirius.

“Nothing, and it’s none of your business any way,” he snapped before turning back to his books. The chair across from him scraped back and Regulus sat down, leaning towards him. For a moment he looked so much like Sirius—persistent and arrogant and stubborn.

“Listen, despite what my brother may tell you, I actually do care for him. So I can also tell when he’s upset. Now he still seems pretty chummy with those other two idiots he calls friends, but I haven’t seen him with you since you got back from break.”

“Make your point, Regulus.” Remus’ teeth were clenched so tightly together that he could barely get the words out.

“I _saw you_ holding his hand in Hogsmeade. And I’ve seen the way he looks at you, like you hung the bloody stars in the sky.”

“He doesn’t look—”

“He does. And if I find out the reason all that has stopped is because of more than just a lovers’ spat, if I find out you broke my brother’s heart—” Regulus stood and Remus thought he would walk away, the threat unfinished. But then the boy was gripping the back of his chair and leaning in so close Remus could feel his breath and it sent a chill down his spine.

“I will end you.”

And then as quietly as he appeared, he was gone.

Remus sat there, staring numbly at his books before he gathered them all and left the library. He had to find Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My outline for part one of this chapter literally says: JILY FINALLY HAPPENS THANK MERLIN. I love Jily so much y'all.
> 
> Also, this chapter is dedicated to the person who commented on the last chapter and said, "I'm sad for the future tho." We're getting close to their graduation which means the war. So here comes the sadness and angst I hope you all love it, it's going to be a fun time. Don't worry there'll still be some fluff. I'm not a total monster.


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